The Jig is Up!

I think it's time for me to tell you all about my mental condition. I've thought about it and it seems disingenuous of me to pretend that I'd be able to explain my life to you without explaining this part of it. Plus, it just seems silly not to tell you. As I've explained, it has much more of an effect on my than being closeted does. It is, in fact, the reason I'm still closeted.

So:
What is it?
Social Phobia or Social Anxiety Disorder.

What's that?
Basically it means that I feel excessively self-conscious and overwhelmingly anxious in most everyday social situations. It means that I have an extreme, irrational fear of being judged. And, no, it doesn't mean that I'm just really shy.

I'm not sure people are actually familiar with it unless they know someone who has it. And I am positive that one can't understand it unless one has experienced it. I'm not even sure if I can fully explain how it affects me. What I can tell you is that any time I am with people (with the exception of family and a few old friends) I am basically terrified. I get scared that I might do or say something stupid, or that I might get noticed or looked at the wrong way. Or, that someone will look at me at all. There doesn't have to be a negative reaction associated with it. I'm just afraid of being looked at. My fear leads to physical reactions - my face and ears flush, my body temperature rises, and I being to sweat. And, naturally, as I begin to sweat, I get scared that someone will notice me sweating, which only causes me to sweat even more. A vicious, never-ending cycle. I become hyperaware of my breathing. I don't want to appear to be breathing too fast nor too slow. I don't want my shoulders to rise too much when I inhale. However, this just makes me breath slower, and because my brain is then not getting enough oxygen, I yawn. I then have to stifle the yawn or cover it somehow, which makes me even more anxious. Did they notice that? Did they think it was weird? Should I not have done that? Now, imagine thinking those things about every single thing you do when other people are around. Imagine all of the preparation, both mental and physical, I have to do in order to be around people. And, realize that no matter how much preparation I do, it never works to alleviate any fear. The preparation can make it worse, actually. It's essentially just more time that I spend worrying.

It's agony.

The absolute worst thing is that I know it's irrational. I know nothing negative will come of people looking at me or judging me. I know that normal people aren't scared of those things. I know that I'm not supposed to be scared of those things. There's just nothing I can do to turn that fear off. Alone in bed at night, sometimes it's easy. I think, "tomorrow I'll go and do normal things: hang out with my friends and not be scared, go to a restaurant, take a walk outside. Maybe I'll even come out." I can imagine my life without social phobia. It seems so easy. I tell myself I'll just wait until the morning and start my life again. Then, I wake up. I can't even begin to think of a way to overcome the obstacles.

The next worst part (and it's a close second), is that I suffer through this alone. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to be judged for having it. I don't want to be have to be that "special" person who everyone has to worry about making comfortable. So I don't let anyone know. I present a façade to the world that is totally different from what I feel. I would say that to almost everyone I know, I seem totally normal. If asked to name a flaw, most of them would say I'm too confident or arrogant. I use that to deflect from my social phobia. And, so far, no one has guessed that I have any fear in social situations (apart from my family, who have noticed it over the years). Though, to tell you the truth, my number of friends is dwindling. I tend to let friendships fade away. If too much time passes between my last communication with a friend, I get to scared to contact them. And, especially now that I hardly ever do anything, I hardly ever see anyone. My friends are moving on. I jus stay here.

I'm not sure if all of that makes sense or just seems like a disjointed mess. The whole thing is very hard to describe. I don't know. I haven't really ever tried to describe how it works with me. I'll read it over and see what I think. I'll definitely write more about this, though.


Postscript:
sorry for all the yawn talk. I know it's contagious, but seriously, it happens to me a lot. And sorry for writing about it at the end when you thought you were in the clear. Deal with it.