(Mo') Money, (Mo') Problems

How best to explain this? Hm. As I start to blog more and more, I realize that I'll have to fill you in on more parts of my life so you can get a more complete sense of me. So, I have a roommate. Let's call him Noah.

He doesn't know I'm gay. Or, if he does, he hasn't said anything about it. I suspect he may know. That's not the problem, though. He definitely wouldn't care that I'm gay. He'd actually love it. He's also about 7-10 years older than me and completely in the closet. He hasn't told anyone that he's gay - not his family, friends, coworkers, no one. The thing is, he's a flaming, mincing, completely obvious homosexual. Noah doesn't actually need to tell anyone that he's gay for them to know that he's gay. Therefore, while he is technically totally closeted, he is practically out to everyone who has ever seen or heard him. And, honestly, that is not a problem for me.

I've noticed that among closeted gay men (and, I guess gay men in general), there is a general dislike of effeminate men. Most times, us closet cases will couch their dislike of queens by saying that we're just not attracted to it, but there's nothing wrong with it. To me, this amounts to a really disgusting form of gay-on-gay homophobia, but I'll write a whole separate post about that. I would say that there is a large group of people who are embarrassed to be seen or associated with effeminate gay man. I am not among that group. Honestly, I'll be seen with anyone that will have me, friend- or boyfriend-wise. Truly, I don't have a problem with effeminate gays. I'm actually quite in awe of people like that. People who can be so out and so true to themselves. It may sound cliché, but I'm envious. However, I do have somewhat of a (big) problem being seen with Noah.

The real issue between Noah and me is that he has a ginormous crush on me. Because he is not out (and because I'm not out, either), he can't exactly profess his love for me. It's a sort of tacit arrangement between us. Instead, the way his crush manifests is that he is very generous financially. I do not pay rent where I live. I do not pay for most of the food I eat. I do not pay for most of my entertainment (movies, music, etc.). I should also probably tell you that I am currently unemployed. I fully understand that that is no excuse. I know that I should not be doing this. I know that it makes me a shitty person and an awful friend. I'll write more about this later. It really deserves its own post.

So, how are the two related? Well, in my nutty, fucked-up mind it would be unfair for me to go and do things with Noah. This may sound crazy, when Noah and I do things together, I can't help but think of it as a date. He fawns over me and is so excited, and I feel bad (yes, worse than I do for letting him buy me everything) for giving him false hope. There is also the totally selfish part of me that doesn't want to be seen with him lest people think we're on a date. Yes, there is an element of not wanting to be seen with Noah, specifically, on a "date." But my apprehension about that is more about being seen on a "date" with any man. As a result, we hardly ever do anything together, just the two of us. But even when we do things with a group (or when we're home alone together) I can almost see the hope in his eyes. It's like they're saying, "if only I could do what it takes, Joe will love me and we'll be together!" In truth, that will never happen. I feel absolutely no attraction to Noah. At all. In fact, his desperation is very unattractive. Of course, he wants more than anything to go places with me, but I will simply not do that. To me, that would be a worse friend offense than having him support me financially. I don't want to dangle the prospect of a relationship with me in front of his face when it is not at all a possibility. Does that make sense at all?